Becoming Mommy

I think this may have been the first Mother's Day in a very long time that I have not broken down in tears.  Alas, I'm sure they will come as I reflect and write this blog post.

For a long time this day was sheer torture, desperately wanting to be a mommy, watching all my friends so joyful in their families.  I felt so empty, so broken.

When we started our adoption process, I found hope.  But that light was at the end of such a long tunnel of waiting. Then there was a precious, joyous surprise in that tunnel named Arella.  And one day, we finally reached that light and brought home our little Zoe.

These days are busy and full, and on occasion overwhelming.  I absolutely love watching these sweet little girls play and be silly together.  I love watching them learn to help and comfort each other. I love watching them teach each other and discover together.  I love finding them hugging or tickling each other.  I love when they go to kiss each other goodnight, and they start giggling uncontrollably.  I even love the hard times, too- the fighting, the domino effect tears, the sleepless nights, the heartache.  I love that God is using them to show me just the smallest glimpse of what unconditional love looks like and how to give it... and receive it.

I realize now how unconditionally my mom loves me.  How even when I ran from everything good in my life, she loved me.  She loved me enough to never stop praying for me, and she trusted God to bring me back.  It was a tough road, but He was faithful.  And I am thankful to Him for my mom and her love for me.

 

 My mom, Arella, Zoe, and me today.

Looking back on this day over the last several years, I can now see the beauty in how God is unfolding our family story. It is much more beautiful than I ever imagined.

In 2009, I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my face during church, praying and hoping for children, grieving that maybe that wasn't God's plan for my life.  In 2010, the tears came hard again, but this time a mix of emotions- both joy knowing Zoe would one day be in our lives, but knowing we would have to wait long, painful years for her.  In 2011, tears leaked out as I was 37 weeks pregnant and a sweet little girl in church gave me a rose, telling me I was a mommy (Arella was born 3 days later).  In 2012, I held a one year old Arella in my arms, and we knew we were only months away from bringing Zoe home.  Today, we dedicated Zoe at church and are looking forward to baby girl #3.  Yup, that's right.  We are so in love with being parents, we just can't stop!  

We began another adoption last week, this time through Ethiopia. I mean with these two cuties, how could we not want more?!

Stay tuned for more adventures....

Call Me Skywalker

I remember telling a friend many years ago that I sometimes feel like Luke Skywalker before he became a jedi knight.  Yeah, my friend laughed... a lot.  And I'm pretty sure you are now, too.  But if you actually read past this line and try to understand my struggle as a wanna-be-light-saber-wielding-jedi-knight, we can still be friends.

If you are still reading, you are likely a Star Wars fan.  But just in case you have know idea what a jedi is or if it's been a few decades since your last jedi training session, I will refresh your memory.  Actually the Wookieepedia will give you a brief summary to help set the stage:

"....the Jedi became revered as guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy. As mystical wielders of the Force and of their signature lightsabers, their powers inspired all citizens in the galaxy. The calm, considered demeanor of the Jedi made them ideal brokers of peace in times of conflict or dispute. Yet, for all their power and diversity, the Jedi were few. Often beset by foes in times of doubt and confusion, undercurrents of evil often challenged their order and the establishment they served, the most notable being the Sith. These dark warriors were the antithesis of the Jedi, their sworn enemies, and the battle between them brought the galaxy to war more than once."

Like every great story, it is good versus evil.  But it's the struggle of the jedi to continually choose the light side of the Force and resist the dark side that has always been so compelling and relatable to me.  Luke Skywalker struggled with a desire to have wisdom and patience in the light side of the Force but there was a powerful, constant pull toward the dark side he had to fight against.  He had amazing mentors like Obi Wan Kenobi and the wise jedi master, Yoda.  But even still, the dark side was still always pursuing and tormenting Luke.

Have you ever felt pulled in opposite directions before?  If you're human, I'm sure you have.  If you are C-3PO, perhaps you have not.  I'm assuming most readers of this blog are at least mostly human.  I digress.  But this torn feeling that I always struggle with is obviously no new thing to our human race.

Paul mentions his personal struggle in Romans.  He talks about how he longs to do good, what God desires us to do, but how even though the longing is there, he winds up doing the very thing he doesn't want to do.  

"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want."  -Romans 7:18-19

So how do we fight against this epic struggle? We start by taking up our light sabers!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.  Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."  -Ephesians 6:10-17

To be a real jedi master, I knew one day I might find out how...

Easter Fun

Yeah I know I'm a week late, but I still wanted to post pics of my cutie patooties from Easter.  So let the photo bomb begin...

I had to lead with Nana.  If we are Facebook friends, you may have seen her holding and pointing a rifle next to her walker while wearing a camo vest and Christmas tree hat, or perhaps you saw her in action in the great walker race of 2012 against Arella.  Nana is 95, queen of the nursing home and quite the character.  My mom and I think she should have a reality tv series called "Rest Home Wars."  She broke out the sparkly bunny ears to earn points with Zoe and Arella.  It worked briefly.

After church and a nap we went to Mimi & Pops house to hang out with family.  Zoe was cleaning dishes in her play kitchen while Arella played dj for us with the sit-n-spin music.  

After the warm up play time they were ready for their very first egg hunt!  Arella wasn't walking at this time last year, so it was pretty cool they got to experience a "first" together.  They watched through the window as we hid the eggs outside.  Arella was eager to hunt the eggs, Zoe was very content to show me her pretty basket.

When we opened the door, it was like a gun went off in a race as they both darted outside in a blur of pink sandals and baskets.

Arella was so excited to get to the eggs but kept stopping, trying to open each one as she picked it up.

This gave Zoe a chance to catch up, and she caught on quick without any help!

I love how "hiding" at this age requires placement out in the open, guidance from the adults on the sidelines, and occasionally some refereeing and explaining that eggs in their sister's basket are off limits.

She kept counting, "One, two, one, two..." until all eggs were counted.  She got two.

See?  Two.

Zoe can only count to one so I guess Arella won the hunt.

I filled their little eggs with stickers and they used them to decorate crosses I cut out of construction paper.  Then they colored the crosses and turned them into little masterpieces.  All the while we got to talk about Jesus and the cross.  Arella loves to point out the crosses in our house now!

A little musical entertainment followed.

 And of course giving knuckles to Great Uncle Jim and a little putting action caps off an awesome Easter!

Toddler Twilight Zone

Someone told me yesterday that we're actually in the month of March.  And all of my clocks have mysteriously jumped ahead an hour today.  There is even a rumor going around that it's 2013.  I'm currently fact checking this urban legend.

I have always been a planner.  I loved planning in four year blocks of time- the Olympic quadrennium.  I started with my ultimate goals at the end of that four year cycle, then I could break it down year by year, then finally back to the current year.  Everything was on my radar screen in it's proper place at the proper time.

These days we fly by the seat of our pants whether it's dashing across town in a moment's notice or running around the house with pants hanging off the ceiling fan.  It's much more exciting that's for sure!

I used to have major anxiety if I somehow manage to derail from my planner even for an hour.  I always knew what day it was, what the schedule for that day was and even what the weather would be like.  Today I don't even know what the next hour might bring, I'm still writing 2012 on paperwork, and I just keep jackets and an umbrella in the car just in case.

Slowly but surely my anxiety is slipping away, and I am fully embracing this spontaneous lifestyle that having two toddlers under two brings.  Here's a little glimpse of our day-to-day, minute-by-minute life.

Sometimes one is crying for Daddy who just left for work while the other is busy trying to man-handle the Cheerios...

 

Other times breakfast is full of happy banana-phone conversations with nary a tear or dropped "O" in sight.

 

Sometimes when I turn my back for a minute, I find some mischief.

 

Other times I turn around and see sharing actually being put into practice.

 

Sometimes everyone is upset, so you have to strap one to your back, put one on your hip and make dinner (and take a picture) with one hand.

But most of the time, happy, sad, silly or tired, the girls just want to experience this crazy life together.  And I'm sure happy to be along for the ride wherever it takes us.

Through Her Eyes

Watching kids discover and learn is truly amazing.  One of my favorite things to watch is how they try to imitate life and pretend on their own. 

Almost every day I find some little arrangement or situation that Arella has created.  It's helped me get a tiny little glimpse of life through her eyes.

Any time Arella sees a diver or picture of a diver she says "Mama!"  Not gonna lie, I love that!  Here she is showing Zoe how camels dive from palm trees.

Making sure the angel gets enough milk so she can tell Mary & Joseph about Jesus.  Not to mention Arella is sharing her very own milk- she obviously recognizes the importance of this angel.

Cats and dogs need transportation, too.

Arella is happy to help taxi them around.

I had no idea how crucial the whale was to guiding the ark.

Apparently Noah kept in shape by exercising on a giraffe.

It's very important all the animals look out for each other.

Sometimes you just need to chill out on the bench and enjoy the scenery.

And the lion must make sure to hold onto the handles as the horse gives him a ride.

It's good to celebrate by dancing with friends.

Of course the dog has to be at dinner too, right next to the baby, since he eats all her gifts on the floor.

And sometimes the meal time mess is so big it requires an elephant for clean up.

Occasionally after dinner you have to hang out on the roof for some fresh air... with your elephant of course.

It is also very important to make sure the whole family gets a good night sleep.  And note the "moon" and "star" on the roof for night time.

And of course my favorite.  When I took Zoe to the medical center to get the tube in her ear, Arella insisted Daddy set up Zoe's highchair and bib for breakfast, too.